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Jokes and Humor pages.........just watch language....lol
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AB_Col_Fubar
Power User

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Joined: Feb 23, 2005
Posts: 25
Location: South Florida
PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:32 pm
Post subject: Jokes and Humor pages.........just watch language....lol

Subject: Women are Evil... To funny not to share

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.


Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man
came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the
room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls.


After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is
loaded with blanks!!" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the
damn chair."

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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AB_Col_Fubar
Power User

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Joined: Feb 23, 2005
Posts: 25
Location: South Florida
PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:34 pm
Post subject: Re: Jokes and Humor pages.........just watch language....lol

VOCABULARY SPIN

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented

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AB_Col_Fubar
Power User

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Joined: Feb 23, 2005
Posts: 25
Location: South Florida
PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:35 pm
Post subject: Re: Jokes and Humor pages.........just watch language....lol

Subject: A.A.A.D.D.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my
car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the tabl! e, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Diet Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep
it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Diet Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, there is still
only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I have sent it to.

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AB_Col_Fubar
Power User

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Joined: Feb 23, 2005
Posts: 25
Location: South Florida
PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:38 pm
Post subject: Re: Jokes and Humor pages.........just watch language....lol

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in
the City, stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher
stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every
year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and
applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and
investor, stands and say "If the Preacher will stay on
here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college
education of all his children!" More sighs and loud
applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a
smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex,"
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones,
whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to
hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand
and shaking his head from side to side while his wife
replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and
he said "Screw the Preacher."


p.s. isn't senility something else?

_________________
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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AB_Col_Fubar
Power User

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Joined: Feb 23, 2005
Posts: 25
Location: South Florida
PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 2:40 pm
Post subject: Re: Jokes and Humor pages.........just watch language....lol

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the he11 is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

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